Unemployment Benefits and why they are awesome

My husband lost his job in July of 2009. He began receiving unemployment in September of that year and has continued up until this point. We have been blessed every time these benefits have been extended. He has continually been looking for a job and has not found something that would be to support us or be more than the benefits. And so he is still out of work and collecting. My husband has worked since he was 15 years old. He has been paying into the unemployment collections for at least 15 years. I am nervous and anxious for what is going to happen to us when these benefits run out in the next few weeks. We are still struggling even with this awesome benefit but have made ways to make it work.
I used to be against people who took the unemployment. I had these notions that these people were lazy and couldn't find work. Now being one of them, I realize its a different reality when the difference in getting a check means if I can shop to put food on our table. Praise the Lord for His blessings and provisions.
Praise the Lord for His perfect plan for our lives. Praise His name for His perfect timing.

I dont want to grow up, Im a toys r us kid...

Don't we wish we could sometimes return to those days of playing endlessly in a pool, outside with friends with no worries other than what we were going to get for dinner that night? I remember being younger and longing to be older.
Lately I have been struggling with some strong emotions and difficult circumstances. I have come to the conclusion that being an 'adult' sure is hard work. No one tells you this when you turn 18, go to college, get married, have a baby...well actually people tell you this all the time but I sure didn't listen. I always wanted more or to be at that different stage...that next milestone.
So here I am and its tough. I love my life and know things could be a lot worse..who are we kidding, Ive been through a lot worse than were I am at right now.
It still gets overwhelming...this morning I hit my knees and prayed the Lord would take it all, take my stress, take my overall strive for control because I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't think I could take on any more stress or issues or changes..and he'll have to do it. That was a few hours ago and I am feeling a little better. Even though there still seems to be a tremendous freight train parked on my chest, I am breathing a little easier right now and still continuing to give the control to HIM.
I just had to write that...had to get it out..and sing to myself...I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys r us kid...while continuing to pray and give God the power, the glory and the control I selfishly try to give to myself...

Leaving Silas and the joyous reunion..

Doug and I began planning a 'weekend away' about 3 months ago. It took me this long to build up the courage to leave Silas... About 2 weeks ago I began to get nervous about the whole thing. This would be the first time we were to leave Silas and it was going to be for at least 3 days! Doug was so excited about it, he could hardly sleep the night before. I was so anxious about it I made lists for the grandparents a week before we left. These weren't just your normal lists..they contained everything I would be bringing for him, his food preferences, schedule, favorite toys, and so much more. I made the medical contact sheet for Doug and I to sign and planned for the worst.
So the day came...Friday. We weren't leaving early so we took the whole day to hang out and get ready. I felt like the anticipation was going to kill me. I just wanted to pull the band-aid off and go. We drove to grandma's house and unpacked everything. Then Doug said 'let's go' and I broke out into tears. Nana held my son, my precious joy on the lawn as we backed out of the driveway and I cried. He began waving bye-bye with a curious look on his face, and I cried....then we turned the corner and he was gone from my site....I had to let go. I had to turn over full control to someone else other than Doug and trust them with my son for days.
We stopped at a gas station and I was a mess. I was exhausted and tired and wanted to talk to my mom. I started thinking who was the actual baby?..pretty funny right?
That night I went to bed anxious about how Silas would sleep and the next morning I called as soon as I could to hear all about his actions and to get a 'play by play'. Nana let me know he slept till almost 8 and was 'as happy as a clam'.

I then began to relax and then relaxed some more. Doug and I had great conversations, took walks, did nothing, swam in the river, did nothing, went to nap, went to eat, and went to bed....NEVER HAVING TO change a diaper, run after a bouncing boy, reprimand behavior, wake up to get him out of bed in the morning for 3 full days.

We returned home and he was very glad to see us. All the while the grandparents had a blast and he was so very happy the entire time. It was a great trip for Doug and I and Silas had a blast while we were gone. This was good for us..not necessarily easy but good...

Now Doug is planning our next time away....I need a little time before we do this again but I recommend it to all young parents. It was great!

Walk, walk, and more walking....

Just a few days ago I think Silas woke up and decided he didn't want to crawl anymore. He still does but the shift has definitely taken place that he is a walker now. We have increased his play area and made sure he has tons of room to roam around and not bump into things. It still amazes me how the switches to new discovery and activity happen so very fast..as if he has always been walking! He is hilarious and sort of looks like a drunk penguin but getting better and more sure fitted every day.

There and back again...

Silas and I had a great trip to Iowa. It started with an early morning flight with my mom which turned into a long day for the 3 of us. The next day we had a great time at my nephew's/niece's tumbling recital. They are just so cute! Owen was a bluebird, Ayva and Monica were butterflies, and Ayva was a squirrel. Oh my I cant tell you how cute it is to see these kids tumble! Saturday was a fun time shopping, celebrating mother's day, and then more shopping.

There was a vintage shop that Amanda kept wanting to go to. We tried 3 times to go to the store and each time it was closed..one time it closed while we were walking up to it! But it was open on Saturday and I scored a vintage 60's go-go drop waist dress I will be wearing to a costume party next month. The whole store was awesome and a bit pricey. I ended up only spending $11 bucks on the sale rack. I always seem to find deals when Amanda is with me! That girl is a discount/good deal magnet.

Sunday was church and saying good by to mom. Monday was a mall/Costco trip with lunch on the go followed by an afternoon of swimming at a local hotel indoor pool. Silas and I were exhausted by the time we were on the plane to come home Tuesday.

This trip was a great trip but tough in ways. I loved being with family but struggled with anxiety and separation from Doug. It was good and strengthening for me to know that I can travel by myself with Silas. He was a great sport and trooper on the airplanes. I gained courage and patience on those flights. I was also reminded of how much my husband does for me and how much I depend on him. I had forgotten and taken for granted the little things he does and the things we share with Silas.

So yes this trip was a mix of emotions and great times. It was worth it and I loved seeing my family. I miss them already and cant wait for the next reunion.

Dreams..

Lately I have been having bad dreams. I had one a few weeks ago that actually lasted all night. Every time I would close my eyes the dream would continue. It was horrible. I finally got to the point that I didn't want to go back to sleep...just knowing or imagining I might have that same dream again.
Over the past month I have been dreaming a lot about Doug leaving me or not loving me. I googled a search on dreams to see what people have written about dreams of this type. It means fear of abandonment or fear of someone not loving them. Well that struck home. I have worked through with my counselor the fear of abandonment that I grew up with. It apparently is now resurfacing in my dreams....It makes me wonder what in my life is making me go there? hmmm I'll have to think about that one you know?

Exercise and food....what a choice!

What a word...exercise....whoever came up with it must like torture. Actually I try and exercise about 4 times a week. Since November 1st of last year, when I started weight watchers, I have lost 25 pounds. Its not easy in a house where your husband likes to cook delicious and fattening meals. I wasn't complaining when I was pregnant and even for the first 8 months after my son was born. When I got tired of looking in the mirror and not seeing the body I had worked so hard to transform into back when I was 23, 24, and 25..I got started. Each day when I wake up I have to make choices.
Its such a mental game for me. There are days when I want to be lazy and not do it. It would be so easy for me to just forget the program I am on and eat what I want while laying on the couch. I often wonder what drives me. I wasn't raised like this and no one else in my family exercises like I do. I guess its when I fit into those jeans I wore 2 years before I was pregnant and when my closet looks full again because of all the clothes I can fit into. But I still don't know exactly what drives me. Believe me I am a fat girl at heart. If I could sit around and have biscuits and gravy with bacon for breakfast, a pastrami or french dip sandwich for lunch, and chicken fried steak for dinner I certainly would.
I pray and hope that my healthy habits are passed on to my son and other children we may be blessed with. I pray every day for the will power to make the right choice, say no to stuff my body doesn't need and strive for the goodness that makes me feel good.
I worked out this morning before starting work. It was a 26 minute yoga routine from the Wii Biggest Loser program. I started it after my weekly weigh in where I found out another 2 pounds is gone. I'm not sure of my drive but I love knowing I am making progress.
So tomorrow is another day I will be praying and choosing to live this way, to feel this way, to love this way. It certainly is a struggle each minute sometimes. To anyone that doesn't struggle with it..watch out because you should be shot..just kidding:) But please, keep it to yourself..for the normal people in the world, we struggle with it every day. So cheers to that lovely carrot and challenging exercise routine just waiting to be tackled!