Unemployment Benefits and why they are awesome

My husband lost his job in July of 2009. He began receiving unemployment in September of that year and has continued up until this point. We have been blessed every time these benefits have been extended. He has continually been looking for a job and has not found something that would be to support us or be more than the benefits. And so he is still out of work and collecting. My husband has worked since he was 15 years old. He has been paying into the unemployment collections for at least 15 years. I am nervous and anxious for what is going to happen to us when these benefits run out in the next few weeks. We are still struggling even with this awesome benefit but have made ways to make it work.
I used to be against people who took the unemployment. I had these notions that these people were lazy and couldn't find work. Now being one of them, I realize its a different reality when the difference in getting a check means if I can shop to put food on our table. Praise the Lord for His blessings and provisions.
Praise the Lord for His perfect plan for our lives. Praise His name for His perfect timing.

I dont want to grow up, Im a toys r us kid...

Don't we wish we could sometimes return to those days of playing endlessly in a pool, outside with friends with no worries other than what we were going to get for dinner that night? I remember being younger and longing to be older.
Lately I have been struggling with some strong emotions and difficult circumstances. I have come to the conclusion that being an 'adult' sure is hard work. No one tells you this when you turn 18, go to college, get married, have a baby...well actually people tell you this all the time but I sure didn't listen. I always wanted more or to be at that different stage...that next milestone.
So here I am and its tough. I love my life and know things could be a lot worse..who are we kidding, Ive been through a lot worse than were I am at right now.
It still gets overwhelming...this morning I hit my knees and prayed the Lord would take it all, take my stress, take my overall strive for control because I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't think I could take on any more stress or issues or changes..and he'll have to do it. That was a few hours ago and I am feeling a little better. Even though there still seems to be a tremendous freight train parked on my chest, I am breathing a little easier right now and still continuing to give the control to HIM.
I just had to write that...had to get it out..and sing to myself...I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys r us kid...while continuing to pray and give God the power, the glory and the control I selfishly try to give to myself...

Leaving Silas and the joyous reunion..

Doug and I began planning a 'weekend away' about 3 months ago. It took me this long to build up the courage to leave Silas... About 2 weeks ago I began to get nervous about the whole thing. This would be the first time we were to leave Silas and it was going to be for at least 3 days! Doug was so excited about it, he could hardly sleep the night before. I was so anxious about it I made lists for the grandparents a week before we left. These weren't just your normal lists..they contained everything I would be bringing for him, his food preferences, schedule, favorite toys, and so much more. I made the medical contact sheet for Doug and I to sign and planned for the worst.
So the day came...Friday. We weren't leaving early so we took the whole day to hang out and get ready. I felt like the anticipation was going to kill me. I just wanted to pull the band-aid off and go. We drove to grandma's house and unpacked everything. Then Doug said 'let's go' and I broke out into tears. Nana held my son, my precious joy on the lawn as we backed out of the driveway and I cried. He began waving bye-bye with a curious look on his face, and I cried....then we turned the corner and he was gone from my site....I had to let go. I had to turn over full control to someone else other than Doug and trust them with my son for days.
We stopped at a gas station and I was a mess. I was exhausted and tired and wanted to talk to my mom. I started thinking who was the actual baby?..pretty funny right?
That night I went to bed anxious about how Silas would sleep and the next morning I called as soon as I could to hear all about his actions and to get a 'play by play'. Nana let me know he slept till almost 8 and was 'as happy as a clam'.

I then began to relax and then relaxed some more. Doug and I had great conversations, took walks, did nothing, swam in the river, did nothing, went to nap, went to eat, and went to bed....NEVER HAVING TO change a diaper, run after a bouncing boy, reprimand behavior, wake up to get him out of bed in the morning for 3 full days.

We returned home and he was very glad to see us. All the while the grandparents had a blast and he was so very happy the entire time. It was a great trip for Doug and I and Silas had a blast while we were gone. This was good for us..not necessarily easy but good...

Now Doug is planning our next time away....I need a little time before we do this again but I recommend it to all young parents. It was great!

Walk, walk, and more walking....

Just a few days ago I think Silas woke up and decided he didn't want to crawl anymore. He still does but the shift has definitely taken place that he is a walker now. We have increased his play area and made sure he has tons of room to roam around and not bump into things. It still amazes me how the switches to new discovery and activity happen so very fast..as if he has always been walking! He is hilarious and sort of looks like a drunk penguin but getting better and more sure fitted every day.

There and back again...

Silas and I had a great trip to Iowa. It started with an early morning flight with my mom which turned into a long day for the 3 of us. The next day we had a great time at my nephew's/niece's tumbling recital. They are just so cute! Owen was a bluebird, Ayva and Monica were butterflies, and Ayva was a squirrel. Oh my I cant tell you how cute it is to see these kids tumble! Saturday was a fun time shopping, celebrating mother's day, and then more shopping.

There was a vintage shop that Amanda kept wanting to go to. We tried 3 times to go to the store and each time it was closed..one time it closed while we were walking up to it! But it was open on Saturday and I scored a vintage 60's go-go drop waist dress I will be wearing to a costume party next month. The whole store was awesome and a bit pricey. I ended up only spending $11 bucks on the sale rack. I always seem to find deals when Amanda is with me! That girl is a discount/good deal magnet.

Sunday was church and saying good by to mom. Monday was a mall/Costco trip with lunch on the go followed by an afternoon of swimming at a local hotel indoor pool. Silas and I were exhausted by the time we were on the plane to come home Tuesday.

This trip was a great trip but tough in ways. I loved being with family but struggled with anxiety and separation from Doug. It was good and strengthening for me to know that I can travel by myself with Silas. He was a great sport and trooper on the airplanes. I gained courage and patience on those flights. I was also reminded of how much my husband does for me and how much I depend on him. I had forgotten and taken for granted the little things he does and the things we share with Silas.

So yes this trip was a mix of emotions and great times. It was worth it and I loved seeing my family. I miss them already and cant wait for the next reunion.

Dreams..

Lately I have been having bad dreams. I had one a few weeks ago that actually lasted all night. Every time I would close my eyes the dream would continue. It was horrible. I finally got to the point that I didn't want to go back to sleep...just knowing or imagining I might have that same dream again.
Over the past month I have been dreaming a lot about Doug leaving me or not loving me. I googled a search on dreams to see what people have written about dreams of this type. It means fear of abandonment or fear of someone not loving them. Well that struck home. I have worked through with my counselor the fear of abandonment that I grew up with. It apparently is now resurfacing in my dreams....It makes me wonder what in my life is making me go there? hmmm I'll have to think about that one you know?

Exercise and food....what a choice!

What a word...exercise....whoever came up with it must like torture. Actually I try and exercise about 4 times a week. Since November 1st of last year, when I started weight watchers, I have lost 25 pounds. Its not easy in a house where your husband likes to cook delicious and fattening meals. I wasn't complaining when I was pregnant and even for the first 8 months after my son was born. When I got tired of looking in the mirror and not seeing the body I had worked so hard to transform into back when I was 23, 24, and 25..I got started. Each day when I wake up I have to make choices.
Its such a mental game for me. There are days when I want to be lazy and not do it. It would be so easy for me to just forget the program I am on and eat what I want while laying on the couch. I often wonder what drives me. I wasn't raised like this and no one else in my family exercises like I do. I guess its when I fit into those jeans I wore 2 years before I was pregnant and when my closet looks full again because of all the clothes I can fit into. But I still don't know exactly what drives me. Believe me I am a fat girl at heart. If I could sit around and have biscuits and gravy with bacon for breakfast, a pastrami or french dip sandwich for lunch, and chicken fried steak for dinner I certainly would.
I pray and hope that my healthy habits are passed on to my son and other children we may be blessed with. I pray every day for the will power to make the right choice, say no to stuff my body doesn't need and strive for the goodness that makes me feel good.
I worked out this morning before starting work. It was a 26 minute yoga routine from the Wii Biggest Loser program. I started it after my weekly weigh in where I found out another 2 pounds is gone. I'm not sure of my drive but I love knowing I am making progress.
So tomorrow is another day I will be praying and choosing to live this way, to feel this way, to love this way. It certainly is a struggle each minute sometimes. To anyone that doesn't struggle with it..watch out because you should be shot..just kidding:) But please, keep it to yourself..for the normal people in the world, we struggle with it every day. So cheers to that lovely carrot and challenging exercise routine just waiting to be tackled!

The power of a praying wife....

My husband has been home with Silas and I for the last 10 months. There are great things about this and some not so great things. During this time the relationship that he has with his son is something I think is priceless. Silas knows his daddy, loves to cuddle and play with him. Before Doug was home, he did love Silas but now he has such a love for him...its indescribable.

Some friends of mine at work get together every two weeks to talk, pray, and share our lives. One of them posts a daily reading from the book 'The Power of a Praying Wife'. I am often taken back by the chord these readings touch in me. It is often on those difficult days when I sort of wish Doug was at a job somewhere. I am quickly reminded the Lord is continually doing work in both of us and to get on my knees and pray for my husband. Here is one that really hit home for me.

Lord, I pray that in the midst of trials my husband will look to you to be his refuge “until these calamities have passed by” (Psalm 57:1). May he learn to wait on You because “those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). I pray that he will find his strength in You and as he cries out to You, You will hear him and save him out of all his troubles (Psalm 34:6). Teach him to cast his burdens on You and let You sustain him through everything that is happening in his life.

As for me, I will call upon God, and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice. He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me. Psalm 55:16-18

Do you remember...

Looking at my son I am reminded of my 31 years of age. It seems like yesterday I was 16 and had the world in front of me. It seems like yesterday I was having a joint birthday party with my sister. So many memories..some of joy and some of pain. I know so much more now that I am older that I wish I had know back then.

Lately I have been haunted by the mistakes of my past. It could be anything from a conversation I wished I wouldn't have had to a decision I thought was the right thing to do at the time. Looking back I regret not being closer with my sister when we were under the same roof. Looking back I wished I had spent more time with my mom instead of a boyfriend. Its hard for me to let go of some of these things. I feel so stupid and sad that I missed out on opportunities that I will never get back. The only thing that helps me heal from these is knowing who I am now and taking the opportunities as they come my way now.

Yesterday is gone, today is passing by and tomorrow is upon me. I will take the time today to love God, my family, and the people that mean the most. I will take the time now to strive for what is best, do what is important, and make memories I can gladly look back on with no regrets.

Praise God for the journey we get to take in our lives. Through the pain, the regret, and the heartache comes joy, praise, and amazement for His Love, His lessons, and His Grace. To God be the Glory.

Almost a year ago....

Almost a year ago my son was born. I am in disbelief that the time has flown by so very quickly. To think that he will be a year old, a toddler, walking and who knows what else blows my mind. I used to think that I would never get married and never have kids. Yet here I am almost 4 years into marriage with a one year old. Silas is such a joy in my life. He makes me laugh, cry, get frustrated, and so much more all in one day. Each day he grows stronger, more independent, and more hilarious.

In the summer of 2008 when Doug and I found out about Silas it was a shocker. We had heard we wouldn't be able to get pregnant and then I had to have surgery when I was four weeks along. To know that early, to have surgery, to have so much uncertainty about his future made me trust in the Lord for strength and guidance. Every week we would get an ultrasound and see that tiny body keep growing and growing. Then...he was here! He came a whole lot earlier than we had expected...about 3 weeks to be exact. And the fun begin. We haven't stopped having fun.

These days Silas loves to play with his cars, his books, his shapes and his Elmo toys. We crawl around the floor and laugh with him. What a joy his laugh bring!!! I find myself being silly just to get him to smile for me.

What a year! I have heard it goes fast. I want to cherish every single day and moment that I have with him. I am looking forward to another year of 1st, joy, laughter, frustration, and so many other wonderful things he brings to my life.

Happy Birthday bubby!!!

Ringing in the new year...

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Well its a new year..2010 and what a whirlwind the last 4 weeks have been. The holidays seemed to sweep by in an instant. So much happened in such a short time. Shopping, wrapping, singing, celebrating, unwrapping, unwrapping, and more unwrapping. Then another week and the year my baby was born is gone. He is going to be 10 months old soon and it seems time is speeding up.

2009 began with pregnancy, birth, adjusting to motherhood, and more adjusting. I turned 31 this year in July. That came quicker than I had thought it would. My son started eating solids and rolling over. Then it was September and ready for Doug and I's 3rd wedding anniversary. Again, where did the time go? All of a sudden it was October and we were off on a vacation fishing trip with grandma and grandpa johnson in Bishop. It was an experience and so much more. Then Auntie Amanda, uncle Jodie, and the cousins were out for a Thanksgiving trip. So much to do in such a little time. All of a sudden we were celebrating christmas at the Johnson house and getting our annual visit from Santa Claus. Silas opened his presents...but was more interested in the paper and the boxes than the presents. I am sure Christmas 2010 will be much more enjoyable for him:) Last we headed to Yen Ching's to celebrate New Years with wonderful members of our church. It was such a blast! We had a great time. We had planned to go camping but ended up staying around the house in a low key new years weekend. I liked that much better.
Now here it is already the 4th of January and we are preparing for grandma kim's birthday next week. It all starts over again. The same but also so very different. This year I would like to play the piano at least 3 times a week, begin working out and drop the rest of the baby weight, and also learn to cook a few more interesting things for the family. There it is...my new year's resolution. So cheers to 2010 and a new decade. May God bless you and keep you safe.